If you don’t listen to anything else I say, Listen to this….

February 15, 2012 at 4:38 pm (Uncategorized) (exes, icebox where my heart used to be, lies baby daddies tell, Martian confessions, stupid shit you do when you're younger, tax season, teen mom, whiny bitch made men)

Ok, so last night I was watching one of my shameless guilty pleasures, Teen Mom 2. Despite the fact that every single lil fast ass, confused girl who appears on 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom annoy the fcuk out of me, I was particularly annoyed at last night’s episode.

Aside from their  immaturity, selfishness, and poor decision-making skills, I realized that 2 of them were committing without a shadow of a doubt, THE DUMBEST act that anyone can ever commit: Taking an ex back and/or dumping your current mate to go back to an ex.

I was cringing while I watched Kailyn and Chelsea play themselves like cheap toys. If there is one lesson I learned in my 27 years of existence, it is that you never, under any circumstances behave like either of these two little girls when it comes to love and dating.

Y’all should know by now that I am very candid about my life experiences. I have no problem admitting the mistakes I made in my youth. I will admit that this is a lesson that I personally experienced. That’s why I’m speaking on it today.

For those of you who don’t watch Teen Mom, let me briefly explain what happened. Kailyn had a rocky relationship with Joe. She got pregnant. Joe didn’t want her anymore. Joe dated other girls. They broke up. She met someone. The guy seemed like the one for her. Joe resurfaced and expressed interest in her. They fcuked. She got trapped in her feelings. She broke up with the new boyfriend to go back to Joe.  She thought a nut equaled his love. Joe said he didn’t want her.

Next up…Chelsea. Chelsea got pregnant. Adam didn’t want her. Treated her and the baby like shit. Chelsea got her own place. Adam resurfaced. Chelsea wanted him back. Adam kept treating them like shit. Adam disappeared again. Chelsea moved on. Adam came back. Adam treated Chelsea and baby like shit again. Adam left. Chelsea cried. Adam came back. Chelsea still wants him. Adam treats Chelsea and baby like shit. Chelsea tries desperately to make him want to be with her. Chelsea takes him back. Adam still has not become shit. Adam leaves.

The end….

*sigh* Lord, I really feel like how my mother must have felt when she would tell me things based on her own personal experience back when I thought I had such a handle on life. When you’ve gone through something that you see other people currently going through, it aggravates you to no end because you know the outcome. Unfortunately most people have to get burn to learn to not touch the hot eye on the stove. They say the smartest way to learn a lesson is by watching someone else going through it so you never to make their mistakes. I’m going to share a bit of wisdom with you for just a second.

Everyone has heard the saying that “Exes are EXES for a reason”. This seems simple enough and it seems like a basic principle that everyone would apply to their love lives, right? Wrong. For as much as people claim they would never even entertain the notion of going back to an ex, they do.

I tell people all the time that I don’t do the breakup to makeup deal. People are usually shocked to find out that this is something that I’ve never done. Well…………………I haven’t been entirely honest about that. *cue dramatic Dunt Dunt DUUUUNNNT music* I probably should correct that statement to just saying, it’s something that I won’t do. I don’t believe I’ve ever shared the story of exactly how I got to the point of completely understanding why under no condition should you A) return to an Ex and B) leave your current partner for someone else.

Grab the popcorn, here’s what happened…

Back in my younger, thuggin’ days of undergrad, I experienced my only big heartbreak to date. I’m not bragging but since then I have yet to experience that type of crushing blow to my soul nor do I ever plan to allow myself to ever get so wrapped up in someone that I allow that to happen again. This is why I appear so carefree when I’m done with a relationship.  I don’t want to credit this person for being the sole component of my development of this quality which allows me to completely detach myself from someone without feeling the most miniscule amount of pain or remorse. However, I have to admit, in terms of percentage, this particular individual and situation carried most of the weight in allowing me to transition from then to now in regard to my attitude toward relationships and love. If you keep some money in your account rather than gamble your life savings away in Vegas, you aren’t affected by the loss of a mere fraction of your wealth on the blackjack table. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hung up on them nor am I carrying baggage. It simply taught me valuable life lessons which helped to shape my Martian beliefs.

 Despite what you all may assume if your follow me on social networks, I have to be perfectly honest with y’all….. I have never been in love like that since that happened. This was back in ’03, 04-ish. I repeat, despite….what….y’all….ASSume…I have NEVER….EVER…..since that experience… been in love with anyone like that since. Being in love with someone, having love for someone, loving certain things about someone, being infatuated, assuming you are in love because you should be are factors which do not equate to being totally and completely  head over heels in love with someone. I digress.

Anyways, it took me years to get over this individual. Well fast forward to the earlier portion of my senior year of undergrad and despite still having my reservations, I started dating someone. I realized after a few weeks that even though this dude was sprung something horrible, I knew that he didn’t stand a chance. His little bitch fits and periods of silence he would throw if he was feeling some kind of way or didn’t like my attitude created the perfect entrance for the ex who broke my heart.

I know what you all are thinking at this point, “Oh my God, you hypocrite. Always talking about cheating, and blah blah blah.”

So let me go ahead and stop you now before y’all try to hit me with that. Coincidentally, the ex reached out to me while the current dude I was dating was refusing my calls, texts, IM’s because he was mad about something. I don’t do the whole “no speaking” thing. If you can’t communicate your grievances like an adult without pouting, yelling, issuing the “silent treatment” then you aren’t for me. Go ahead and call yourself giving me the silent treatment if you want and you will end up the fcuk alone. On top of that, aside from his childish antics, he was an atheist, anti-social, clingy as shit, moody, estrogen filled, lonely, had the potential to be destructive, and many other unsavory qualities which were simply amplified by his silent treatments.

Well the ex got back in contact with me and because I still wasn’t over him, I took the bait. I didn’t act on my intentions because I don’t cheat. Never have. Never will. We texted each other and during that grey period where I technically didn’t officially break off ties with the current dude. It was never anything inappropriate and was basically some old friend type shit. The reason why this wasn’t cheating was because I felt comfortable showing the dude I was currently dating the texts. Cheating is anything you wouldn’t do in front of your mate. Honestly, those texts resembled those of individuals in a platonic friendship. He knew I was with someone. We didn’t even see each other during this time of limbo. Then one day the platonic messages turned into him mentioning us getting back to together.

Here’s where the story gets interesting…

Well almost immediately following that discussion I knew what I had to do: Drop this whiny, bitch-made loser and rekindle the flame with my soon to be husband who God clearly sent back in my life so we can live happily ever after. Ironically, the current decided to start back speaking to me once he was over his “anger” like a day after I got the “let’s get back together” text from the ex. Well it was too late at the point. I told him it was over. Honestly, there was no way in hell we would have lasted even if my ex didn’t come back in the picture. I had planned on letting him go prior to my ex getting back in contact with me but his resurfacing definitely gave me the fuel to power my breakup vehicle.

So just like the crying, whiny bitch he was, he tried desperately plead with me to stay and told me how he would change and all that other sucker shit. My mind was made up. He was in the way of me being free to pursue my actual love. Because I would never cheat, I knew I had to end it with him. So I did. I even agreed to meet up with him one more time just so he could cry and plead some more….I think I probably should mention at this point as an indication of his borderline mental issues, we had only been dating for almost 2 months at this point. The whole time, whilst I stroked my concealed mace in my one hand and pocket knife in the other, all I was thinking about was my ex. His pleas were falling on deaf ears.

This is when I first was introduced to that bitch Karma.

Well after I officially ended things, I felt it finally ok to meet up with the ex. So then we started back talking regularly, going out on a few dates, and so forth. I even had a talk with him to confirm his intentions so I wouldn’t get played again. He said what he wanted and like the inexperienced young girl I was, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

Fast forward about 2 weeks after that convo and he pulled the same disappearing act again which led to our demise the first time. He became unavailable and breaking his promises. This dude had played me not once, but now TWICE!  Granted I was going to end things with whiny Willie eventually but the biggest factor in that breakup being sped up was the promise that I would get back with the love of my life. After all, I had a security net. This was like getting a job offer for a job with a 30k salary increase and superior benefits, quitting your current job so you can go work there, then HR calling you up and saying there was a mistake and the position has been filled.

I was beyond devastated. I felt every emotion you could think of. I was hurt…again, angry, I felt used, stupid, but most of all…HUMILIATED. People always talk about guys’ egos, well mine can be likened to the assumed gargantuan size of a male’s. I hate a lot of things, but there is nothing that makes my eye twitch worse than feeling like I got played or being made to feel stupid. Well, despite the pain and second heartbreak I went through during this second round, it taught me a lesson which I will never forget: NEVER leave your current mate for an ex/another person and never go back to an ex in general.

What’s so interesting about this is the fact that out of all the losers I’ve dated, this particular ex is not only the one who contributed greatly to construction of the fortress around my heart but he’s also the only one who’s apologized to me on more than one occasion for the poor decisions he made and any role he played in contributing to my attitude toward love and men. While I appreciated his seemingly heartfelt apologies, the damage had already been done and the monster before you all had already been created. It wouldn’t have made a difference what he said at that point because not only had I been long over him, I already developed my attitude. Only God himself is able to alter my views at this point in my life.

Back to Teen Mom 2.

It doesn’t matter how sincere your ex may sound. It doesn’t matter how much they tell you they have changed. It doesn’t matter if you can see some of the alleged changes. It doesn’t matter if the new person seems to be a dream come true. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER leave your current mate for an ex or a new person….well, unless you were going to break up with them anyway but never tell that person that you are leaving your current for them. Not only will their egos become inflated to Kanye levels, but they will always keep that info in their pocket for future use. However you meet someone is how you will lose them. Karma is an ugly, authentic, vicious bitch. I paid for my actions twice as hard. Despite the fact that I didn’t cheat, I left because I wanted to go back to someone who I never was supposed to be with in the first place.

It’s impossible to control our emotions. You can’t help who you love and you can’t help you don’t love. That’s just life. You can, however, control the type of influence that person has on your life and you can prevent them from reeking any further havoc on your life.

I knew exactly how Kailyn and Chelsea felt because I’ve been there. It doesn’t work though. Relationships end for various reasons. Regardless of what those reason may be, they are all indicative factors of the relationship not being able to survive for an extended period of time. People may change, but at their core, they still have the qualities which contributed to the relationship’s demise.

It’s kind of like a random blaze starting in an office and the door blowing open for an easy escape then shutting as soon as you get out. Rather than continue to run forward to safety, you think you may have left some pens at your desk and desperately try to pry the door back open and run back into the blaze for some cheap ass pens rather than run forward to freedom.

An even better example is to imagine you have just eaten a large meal that was tainted with bacteria. You vomit and shit uncontrollably. Rather than refrain from eating this meal which has been proven to contain bacteria and nearly kill you, you go back and eat it again expecting a different result.

Insanity is defined as doing the exact same thing and expecting different results…Going back to an ex is insanity in its truest form.

Leaving someone you’re with for the greener grass is also just as foolish. EVERYTHING seems better on the other side. That’s how life works. Someone once said that the grass on the other side looks greener but we can’t see all the shit they had to spread across the lawn to get it to look like that.

Leaving your current mate for someone completely new is really the luck of the draw if you were already planning on dumping the person you’re with. However, if you weren’t having any major issues but just wanted someone who seems to be better, beware.

It’s easy to jump into the arms of a new “perfect person” because this person doesn’t have a history with you nor do they share the trials of being in a lengthy relationship, such as kids, bills, drama, and so forth. It’s like the concept of buying a new broom once your old one stops sweeping as good. All new brooms sweep clean. New brooms sweep better than old ones because they haven’t been through the arduous daily cleaning of your home. After a while, however, they start to sweep just like the broom you threw away. Meaning, their newness doesn’t last forever and you find that you have the same issues you had with your old broom. You never know what you are getting with an individual. People only show you their representative for the first couple of months anyway, so often times you are falling for lies from the jump.

By comparison, the new item always looks better. However, when you leave good situations for new, seemingly better ones, expect that you more often than not, will experience those same issues and may even have to deal with them leaving you for a newer model. Again, that’s how Karma works. What we put out is what we get in return. That’s why you shouldn’t be surprised when the person who cheated with you cheats on you if you ever actually get involved in a relationship with them.

Kailyn lost from the jump with actually believing Joe wanted to be with her. That’s a lesson I was reminded of recently. Men with children have this uncanny ability to resurface once you’ve moved on. They wait until you are deep in a new relationship to express their undying love and desire to restore your family. I know about this phenomenon because my daughter’s father does it all the time. I almost fell for it the last time but quickly remembered who and what I was dealing with so I didn’t put that clown suit back on.

Men don’t like the idea of other men raising their children….well, some don’t at least. Also, most men with children have this interestingly hysterical notion that once you bear their offspring, they have an indefinite all access pass to your pucci. Even when I was in a relationship, my daughter’s father still pursued me and was shocked and appalled at the fact that I rejected his advances because I am the mother of his child.

So to my single mothers, please don’t fall for this trap. The fathers of your children don’t want to be back in a relationship with you. At most, he just wants to fcuk you or get some of your tax return money. They will say anything to make you believe they will finally do right by you and your child. Look at Chelsea. Adam has said unspeakable evil things about his own flesh and blood and the mother of his child. He cheated and made it crystal clear that he had no interest in being committed to Chelsea and their child. Like the typical female she is, Chelsea fell for his “I want us to be family” bullshit and was burned time and time again on national TV.

Of course there are few exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, if the fathers were sporadic and inconsistent with their relationship with you and/or your child until you got into a relationship with someone new or until he became single, chances are he just wants access to your lady cookies again. He also just wants to prove to himself that he still has the power to obtain them. I’ve been down this road so many times that I know the trip by heart without a GPS. So I made the decision to take a completely different route. I don’t care what chocolate covered lies Bean’s dad tries to pass off as sweet candy, wisdom and experience taught me to not double dip. In one ear, and right out the other.

Think about why your relationship ended. Some people have selective memory that only allows them to only recall the fond memories with an ex. ERASE IT! RIP IT OUT! BURN IT! Reflect on all the arguments, lies, pain, hurt, but most of all the reasons that relationship ended in the first place. Then remind yourself that this person hasn’t actually changed their core self.

If you are with someone who you are genuinely happy with, the dumbest thing you can do is leave them for the ex who almost made you want to convert to lesbianism/homosexuality because of their heartless actions. If you are having correctable issues with the current mate and your ex (as they all manage to do) just happens to come at that time of uncertainty, don’t fall for the lies! Don’t even engage them in any convo which would give them the smallest amount of hope that they can come back to you.

Exes have this extra sense when it comes to sniffing out vulnerability. They always just happen to pop up when you are with someone else. If you are happy, they can cause you to start to have unwarranted doubts. If you are having a couple minor issues, they can cause those issues to be magnified beyond their reality. Exes are bad to go back to if you’re single. They are downright disastrous to go back to if you are involved with someone else. The fact that your ex would knowingly pursue you despite knowing you are in a relationship should be evidence enough of their slack character.

If there is nothing else positive that can be pulled away from the weekly 60 minute train wreck that is Teen Mom 2, it’s the lessons you can take away from their mistakes. I’ve been there and I’m all the more wiser having come out of it relatively unscathed.

Don’t leave your steak and lobster feast for some salmonella laced chicken wings which made you violently ill in the past. Those wings may smell good and you may miss the taste but underneath the golden skin, they still contain toxic bacteria. If you even think about nibbling on a wing, knock the plate on the floor, feed it to the dog and keep it moving.